When the Healing Doesn't Come

“I’m sorry that my prayers didn’t help”

“Do you think God could have healed your sister?”

“So many people were praying why wasn’t she healed, why didn’t the cancer go away, why didn’t the baby live?”

For 24 hours hundreds and hundreds of people fervently prayed for my sister. From watching a whole entire waiting room filled with friends and family pray, to watching her basketball teammates circle around her bed sending up bold, faith-filled prayers,”, to me holding her hand through the night praying the same words over and over again, all the way to a sweet 3 year old praying for Aunt Liz to “feel better”; I saw the whole spectrum. You hear of all of these crazy miracles and the way God saved someone’s life or miraculously healed someone—yet for us our story ended with a gravesite and funeral. Sometimes it feels that if maybe we had just prayed more fervently or had more faith than she wouldn’t have died. I know there are so many stories out there where the ending isn’t a miraculous healing where instead there is still the constant daily pain and sickness, the permanent disability or the aching heart from a loved one who didn’t make it.

So the question that I have been wrestling with lately is what do you do when you don’t get the physical healing that you pray for?

If you look at the gospel you see over and over again Jesus healing people of their physical diseases, so we can’t help but wonder if he will do the same for us too. & when he doesn’t it leaves us wondering if God is either unable or unwilling to heal our loved ones.

In the gospel of Mark there is the story of Jesus healing the lepers and the man knelt before Jesus and said:  “If you are willing, you can heal me and make me clean”

Jesus replied

“I am willing, be healed.” Mark 1:40-41

Jesus said to the lepers “I am willing”, but in my own life it felt like he was saying to me “I am not willing” and it hurt, it felt like Jesus was refusing me my miracle of healing the loved ones in my life. I felt like it was a party that I wasn’t invited to, an exclusive privilege that wasn’t extended to me. It left me feeling hurt and upset with God.

When we look throughout the gospels the miracles that Jesus performed display his love and compassion for hurting people BUT the greater purpose of each miracle is to draw people into a greater spiritual reality a greater understanding of him that will give us the life we’re so desperate for.

Jesus really does want us to live, and he came and healed people while he was on earth in order to show us that there was a deeper sickness than cancer, brain injuries, miscarriages, autoimmune disorders and strokes and that deeper sickness is sin and it is a poison that penetrates and destroys everything.

But we have hope for what is to come, hope that as Rev 22:1-3 says, death and disease will be killed for good and sorrow and pain will be no more.

But for now we live in the in-between where suffering is an ongoing reality as we await the healing to come with the new heaven and the new earth.

Jesus’s miracles in the gospels and those that we still see today give us a foretaste of what is coming- the day is coming when the healing ministry of Jesus will come to full fruition,

But “when we insist that God’s promises of complete healing be applied to our lives now as well as in the fullness that is to come, we’re mistakenly expecting in this age what God has reserved for the next. God’s primary purpose in the here and now is not to rid us of sickness and pain, but to purify us and empower us to hope in his promises trusting that one day they will become a reality that we will know fully and enjoy forever (Nancy Guthrie).”

Jesus came to get to the root of our problem—the cause of all suffering and sorrow: sin. Jesus promises to heal us of the most destructive, deadly disease in our lives, the disease of sin.

So when I go back to the question I was asked of  “Why didn’t God heal your sister?” I know that Jesus did not withhold his healing touch from her, instead he healed her in the greatest way possible and has taken her to himself and will at the resurrection give her a glorious new body.

This freedom from sin is the miraculous healing that is beyond our understanding and the too-good-to-be-true promise of the gospel.

So don’t insist that God heal you or your loved one here and now. Don’t reduce the nature of his healing power and intentions. Jesus did not die on the cross to give you a certain number of days of health on this earth, but to fit you for eternity in a new heaven and a new earth.

“We believers also groan, even though we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, for we long for our bodies to be released from sin and suffering. We, too, wait with eager hope for the day when God will gives us our full rights as his adopted children, including the new bodies he has promised us.”

-Romans 8:23

The 13 letter word

Have you ever heard of the 13 letter word? I'll give you a hint, it starts with a "V" ....

Vulnerability- it's a word that makes me cringe
when I hear it I tense up and immediately pull up my shield to block my heart.
I get antsy and immediately want to change the topic
or run out of the room.
But what is it about his word that I fear?
Why does it stir up so many emotions & protective mechanisms?
Why does it make me want to bolt out of the room?

Because vulnerability means trust
vulnerabiltiy means taking off the mask that I've spent my whole life protecting
vulnerability means intimacy
vulnerability means allowing others into my life
vulnerability means the possibility of hurt, rejection and abandoment
It means showing people I'm not the perfect girl I try to be

BUT

vulnerability also means being truly known
vulnerability means love
vulnerability means truth
vulnerability means community
vulnerability means openness, freedom
vulnerability means acceptance for you who are and not just your mask

Is it worth it? Is it worth the risk, worth the possible hurt and rejection?
I say an emphatic YES!

Vulnerability means you don't have to feel worn down and wear by putting up a front all of the time, it means leaving behind your feelings of lonliness and embracing being fully and completely known. If i'm honest as much as that thought scares me it also sounds like the most amazing, freeing thing ever!

Putting down my shield of self-protection and letting others in is a risk, it's terrifying and it makes me want to run the other way.
BUT
What if we asked God for the courage to be vulnerable, to be truly known for once in our lives and to stop pushing poeple away, but to instead allow ourselves to be loved?

Knowing that my identiy is found in Christ and not being perfect. In Christ, and not in self-protection, in Christ and not in how others view me is what frees me. When I am firm in Christ and my identity as a daughter of God than I can courageously take the risk of letting other in, of inviting them into my heart, letting them be a part of my story and allowing myself to feel God's love through the tangible love and care of others. 

When you become overwhelmed with your failings...

Some days I look in the mirror and stare at myself.

I sit there and see the person that I am 

I think about the deepest darkest parts of my heart 

the thoughts and feelings that no one knows, except for me

& sometimes when I stop and look at myself if I'm completely honest

my heart sinks a little and I hate the person that I see 

sometimes I'm so overwhelmed with all of my failings 

all the ways I mess up and all of the ugly thoughts that roll

through my head throughout the day. 

"I wanted to love people better this week, yet I didn't

I wanted to be more intentional with my time, yet I failed to plan well

I wanted to be more prayerful, yet I spent the week depending on my own strength"

How can I be so sinful, how can I fail so many times?

I know that God loves me and is gracious with me, 

but sometimes I think that he has to get tired of me continuing to sin 

over and over and over again.

I mean I even still struggle with some of the same things that I did when I first came to Christ 

Why haven't I grown? Why am I such a failure? 

These thoughts constantly flow through my mind 

And when I let myself dwell on these thoughts I fall into despair

I don't think I'll ever arrive and I wonder what others would say 

if they saw what a horrible Christian I really am. 

I become defeated, weary and burdened down by the weight of my own sinfulness, insufficiency and failings 

It is in these moments that God tenderly whispers to me and simply says "Look Up"

He gently reminds me of how self-focused and self-centered I'm being 

That instead of being consumed with God I am being consumed with myself

That my eyes are only looking inward and I've failed to look outside of myself 

and see who God truly is. 

And when this happens I become so focused on who I am that I forget who God is.

I forget that God wants to take my mess and turn it into a masterpiece.

That his power is greater than ALL of my weaknesses

That his grace and love for me are so deep and wide that I cannot fully comprehend the depths of them. 

That he knows EVERY sinful thought and deed, all of my failures past present and future and yet he still chose me to be his beloved daughter. 

That it is through my weaknesses and inadequacies that God gets to show off and display his transforming grace, unending love and his ability and power to change hearts and lives!

So yes, I still mess up a ton and yes I still sin and fail 

But now my reactions to this knowledge changes 

instead of falling into despair and condemnation I get to run to my savior! 

I get to come to him in my weakness and learn how to depend on him in greater ways 

to learn to trust him when he tells me that HE is the one who began the good work in my heart 

 and HE promises that HE will finish it (Phil 1:6)! 

I get the opportunity to realize that I am empty and nothing without my savior 

and that makes his love and grace so much sweeter, it and makes me want to 

run to him and grow in depending on his power and strength instead of trying to do life on my own. 

And this, is such a better, sweeter place to be than in than depths of despair.

So friends take your eyes off of yourself and your shortcomings and place your gaze upon

Jesus, who is the author and perfecter of your faith. The one whose grace is sufficient for us and whose power is made perfect in our weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9-12). 

"True sanctification is all about growing in humility, dependence and gratitude. Joy blossoms in our hearts not as we try harder and harder to grow, but as we see more clearly the depths of our sin and understand more fully our utter helplessness. Only then will we take our eyes off ourselves and look to Christ for all that we need in life and death. Only then will we truly cherish our savior and believe that we need him every minute of every day, and that without him we can do nothing (John 15:5)."

Why I Switched my Major....

Once you enter college the one question that everyone always asks you when they meet you is
"What is your major?"
Next to your name, your major is the next thing that everyone wants to know about you. It almost becomes a part of your identity and a part of who you are. It effects who you interact with, what professors you'll have and what types of groups you'll be involved in.

So after going through the majority of college as a science major with the intention of becoming an Occupational Therapist, that's what everyone knew me as. I was a science girl and I was going to be an OT. And that was that. People thought it was an awesome career choice and I was often applauded for it, & told how smart I was. I was going to go to graduate school and get to help people and join a rising, stable, good, paying career; and people were proud of me for it.

However, I was creating a whole life plan based on my own comfort and wants. What I neglected to do was to seek God to ask him what his plan for my life was. & then he came in and wrecked my heart.

This summer as I spent time in a different culture, saw brokenness and pain up close in a real tangible way and dug into God's word and really sought him and his guidance for my life he directed my path to the field of social work. I wrestled with changing my major, but he continued to keep opening up doors and directing my path. I realized that I wanted to help people. To be able to bring hope and light and joy to those who have none and are in some of the darkest situations. I want to use my life to love and serve others, to do all that I can to make a difference in the world. & for me that means working in the non-profit sector and seeking to work with exploited children and human trafficking.

So yes, maybe I will be taking a big salary cut with my new choice of major, and joining a career that has a lot less prestige attached to it and yes maybe I will have to change everything that I have worked so hard on and start from scratch this year as I enter into the social work program. However, God is so faithful and he has led me this far and opened up the door for me to be accepted into this program and I may not know exactly what lays in store for me 2 years from now, but I know where God has led me to for this moment and I am simply taking it step by step and following his leading.

I cannot wait to grow in this new field of social work and learn what it looks like to enter into this helping profession, and I am so excited to see how I will be able to use my skills to help people and spread God's love.

So here's to this new major, new adventure and new future!

Hi my name's Becca and I'm a social work major. 

How God Changed my heart

Last night I had the awesome opportunity of being able to share a small part of my story at our campus ministry's meeting. I promised I share it with some of my friends who weren't able to make it so here it is! So grateful for all that God has done in my life. 

I grew up like any other church kid who was raised in a Christian home. I heard all the Bible stories in Sunday school, learned all about God and knew all the right answers in youth group. I knew how to talk the talk and I even knew how to live out the Christian life, how to serve others and memorize scripture. Yet everything I did was lifeless and shallow. Something was missing in all of my good Christian stuff. I felt empty and hallow.

My knowledge fooled me and those around me. I collected knowledge about God like one collects books on a shelf or memorizes history facts. Because of this there was no life or joy in my walk with God. I was following all of the rules, it had become about behavior modification to me and learning how to be good. Somehow in the midst of Sunday school lessons, youth groups and sermons I neglected and missed the most important part of being a Christian: having a personal relationship with God!

But thankfully God didn’t leave me there, at Cru’s winter conference- INDYCC God used the testimony of a friend and one of my leaders, to show me how deeply Jesus loved me and how he desired to intimately know me and infuse life into my relationship with him!

At the moment God opened my heart and showed me that although I had known all about God and even did things to serve God, I didn't actually truly know God. That night God was gracious enough to show me what was missing in my life and that was him! I was missing a personal, powerful connection and relationship with Jesus Christ! Ever since then my life as a Christian has been completely different. There is now so much joy and grace that motivates what I do.

        Some things may still look the same on the outside like reading my Bible, but the motivation behind it is how different, for example I now study God’s word not to simply gain knowledge, but to know him. I spend time with him and talk to him because I love him and I want to grow closer to God and know more of who he is instead of only praying when I need things from him! Before I simply knew about Jesus, but now I truly know Jesus like a friend and having that real personal relationship with Jesus is what has changed everything for me; and brought joy, life, and grace into my walk with God!

South Asia

I was a normal college student making normal plans for my summer like getting observation hours in and hanging out with friends and family.
But somewhere along the way I realized that my plans for the summer were not God's plan for my summer.
The next thing I know I'm raising support and packing up my things to spend 6 weeks halfway across the world. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined myself spending my summer in South Asia alongside 17 strangers... It's funny how God works sometimes!

We all met up at briefing and quickly these strangers worked their way into my heart and before I knew it they became my family and we bonded in a way that only God could have done.

They supported and encouraged me, they challenged me, and inspired me with their faith, boldness, passion and love for our savior. They pushed me when I wanted to give up and patiently listened when my words were jumbled. Never before had I experienced such an intentional, caring, and selflessly loving community.

The days were long and hot and sometimes seemed like they would never end. Many times I crawled in my bed with the weight of discouragement crushing down on me. This city was broken, dark and full of so much pain and suffering. It felt as if I was helpless to do anything and all my efforts were in vain!
Yet as the weeks went on God reminded me that yes I couldn't fix this city, but that I didn't have to, that wasn't my job! God had called me here to love this city and it's people and to share his amazing grace with those he placed in my path. I didn't have to carry that burden because that was God's! I cannot change hearts or the devastating poverty and injustices that I saw, only God can do that!



But what I did have was his amazing unrelenting love and the message of hope found in the gospel and that was what God was calling me to bring to the city and share with the amazing people he placed in my life! He showed me that if all I did was give one person hope through the gospel that was enough! That's how deeply he loves his children, that he would send people halfway across the world just so that they would know his love!

Through the brokenness I saw first hand the effects of sin and the consequences of choosing our own way over following God. It's heartbreaking to see, but it's even more amazing to know that God has a plan of redeeming and restoring the whole world to himself! That even though we made the brokenness, God made the way of redemption throng the cross and he
is actively restoring everything to himself and that brings so much hope to my heart!

I'm grateful for the friendships I was able to make with students and the ways that I saw God slowly begin to work in their hearts as they heard the truth of who God is and his unconditional love that's not dependent on our works! Barriers were broken down in their hearts, as many of our friends for the first time began to understand who God is and his life changing grace!

I came to South Asia thinking that I was going to come and save the world, but what I didn't realize was that instead God was going to work in my heart in ways that I could never have imagined and work to build my character and make me more like my savior!
Yes, I was able to help with human trafficking, tell students about Jesus for the first time and love on street kids, but they showed me what joy in all circumstances looks like, what it means to be in awe at the idea of forgiveness and grace and what it looks like to have a foundation of faith and hope even when you work  in a place full of darkness and injustice.

So while my summer may not have played out exactly as I had planned I'm kind of glad. I'm grateful to have had the opportunity to be the hands and feet of Jesus, to share the truth of the gospel to those who desperately needed hope, to learn to love radically and selflessly like Jesus and to have my heart wrecked in the best possible way!

What 2 months with a concussion has taught me.....

After an accident at dance, I ended up with a severe concussion and it has now been 8 weeks and counting with this silly concussion. It's been a rough 8 weeks, but God has really taught me a lot through all of this!


Two of the biggest lessons that God has taught me these past 2 months

 Prayer 
      &
 Being quiet and still 


I am a very busy girl, always doing something, going somewhere with a never ending to-do list. My life is full of lots of noises and too often I do not take the time to rest and refresh, and God has given me this time where all I have been able to do is rest. He has also shown me the importance of being still and quiet before God. When I consistently have the noise of the world surrounding me how do I expect to hear from God. I need to take time to listen for his still small voice and to simply sit and be in his presence. I complain that God doesn't answer me, but in reality I am the one who doesn't take the time to actually listen to Him.

Prayer: I wanted to grow in praying more this year, and because of my concussion I cannot read or have Jesus time, but the one thing I can do is pray. So God has given me so much time just to talk to him and come into his presence with thankfulness as well as requests and just to talk with him as i spent hours laying him my bed.

As hard, challenging and frustrating as this past month has been I am so very grateful for how God has used this to teach me, and bring me closer to himself.

I am grateful for the love and care that I have received from all of my amazing friends, they dropped everything to care for me, and serve me, bring me food, drive me to doctors appointments and tests and have taken notes for me in my classes. I have felt very blessed this past month.

Now, as I slowly recover and being to start therapy sessions, and begin attending classes again. I don't want to forget what I have learned to remember that God is with me to give me strength and patience to male it through the next couple of challenging weeks.

"The only way you will ever run to the Helper is by running away from the delusion of Independence"  ---- grateful that God reminded me that I am not independent that I NEED Him! Because too often I try to be in charge of my life and live like I'm the one who is in control, but in reality I am finite and weak, and thankfully God who is good, gracious and all powerful is the ruler of my life.

God never ceases to amaze me!

"The Least of These"

"For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’

 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink?  When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me."

Matthew 25:35-40

In today's world it's so easy to get caught up in the materialistic society. To get so caught up in yourself, your family and your own wants, needs and desires that you forget to notice those around you, those who are hurting and in need. We walk right by them & without a second thought. Instead of showing God's love to others we are more concerned with our own selfish wants and desires.

Yesterday I made a quick trip to Walmart to grab a couple ingredients that I needed for my brother's birthday cake. It was a simple trip I ran in got everything I needed & was on my way. My plan was to hurry  and get back home as fast as I could so I had time to finish baking the cake. (God had other plans). It started as I walked out of the store there was a guy standing there from an organization that helped women who were abused after seeing the two people in front of me completely ignore him and walk by I felt bad so I stopped to listen and rummaged through my wallet and found a dollar to stick in the jar. He thanked me profusely and I walked away to my car thinking what a nice person I was haha :P  

Then I got in my car and as I was leaving the parking lot the light was red, I looked around and saw a lady and a small boy sitting on the grass and she had a sign next to them "Single mom, in need of some help God bless!" I thought maybe I'll give her some of my spare change, but then the light turned green, as I drove off I had a nagging feeling in my heart that God really wanted me to go help the lady out, but I argued in my head about how I was on a time crunch and how I had to have the cake done before my brother came home, how I needed to save money since I'm going back to school in a few weeks  etc. etc. but even with all the excuses I was coming up with I still felt God telling me to go back, that she needed help and more than that hope. So I turned around and I sat in the McDonald's parking lot, realizing I had no cash I was trying to figure out what I should give them so I thought I'll just get them some food from McDonald's but I didn't know what type of food to get them, so instead I went back to Walmart, ran in and grabbed a Walmart giftcard, & God even blessed me the lady in front of me in line had a cart full of groceries and she told me to go in front of her since all I had was one thing, God's great like that.

Anyways, after I grabbed the card I drove over to them & I decided to park the car and go up and talk to them I figured I might was well make it personal, when I walked over there I looked at her and I could see the desperation in her eyes, I said that I wanted to give her this giftcard the little boy eagerly snatched it out of my hand and stared at it with a big smile. The mom burst into tears, I said some compassionate words and she thanked me over and over and I almost left with that, but the Holy Spirit kept nudging me and before I walked away I asked her if I could pray for them, so right there in the grass with 2 complete strangers I prayed for them for protection and help and most importantly that they would learn how much God loved and cared for them. As I walked away to leave she looked at me and said "thank you for giving me hope." 

That right there was worth the extra 15min, to be able to bless and help someone in desperate need and show them God's love. Seeing their gratitude and the smiles on their faces blessed me so much. They may think that I helped them, but really today they reminded me how amazing it is to give to others. I re-learned how to show God's love to those around me in practical ways, instead of being selfish and only thinking about myself. 

Too often I think about my needs, how I'm a poor college student, my loans, gas, textbooks, etc. instead of realizing how amazingly blessed I am! God has given me way more then most people and yet everyday I take it for granted, I take the fact that I have a family, a nice house, a car, a job, the ability to go to school, a laptop, phone and all my other blessings for granted. God has blessed me so much so I want to be a blessing to others and show them his deep amazing, unending love! 

"Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver" 2 corinthians 9:7

Treasuring Life

Summer is almost over, & I want to savor and soak in all the little details & live in the moment instead disconnecting for the rest of the summer and looking to the new school year. 

"But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart." Luke 2:19   
I want to be like Mary and treasure the moments of life, so here are some things from this past week little moments that I'm grateful for and  want to remember 

- Talking and laughing in the driveway at 7 in the morning with my brother before we both head off to work for the day 

-My big brother calling me "little sis"  always makes me smile

-Cuddling up in my bed reading a good book while listening to my brother play the guitar

-Dance parties in the car with the little siblings 

-Spending the afternoons baking 

-Cuddle time with my sweet niece Jalese

-Spontaneous roadtrips with friends 

-My little nephew gasping with excitement when he saw me and running up to give me a hug and kiss 

-Morning hugs from my mummzy 

-Sitting on the porch gazing at the stars 

-Working out, and being able to do 100 push ups

-Comfy blankets and pillow pets 

-A new set of beautiful baby twins being added to the family (can't wait to meet sweet Addison and Lucas)

-Playing the piano for the first time in a month


These are all simple everyday little moments that often I overlook, but really these are moments in life that make it so beautifully wonderful and these are the moments that I don't want to miss or take for granted, instead I want to treasure them up and enjoy the present without trying to rush into the next thing!

Self-Sufficient

Independent and Self-sufficient 
Those are two words that you could use to define me. 
I've always liked jumping right into new situations
I like to be able to do things myself 
I'm not very good at asking for help 
(even with silly things like opening a can)
When I start things I'm determined to figure them out / finish them
(on my own mind you, I hate it when people tell me the answers to things before I figure it out)
I don't mind doing things for myself
like cooking my own meals, shopping, laundry, working 
in fact I quite enjoy it 
& Being single well that just means I can
be even more independent in my decisions haha

I've been told that being independent
and self-sufficient is a good thing
(whenever people have told me I have those traits I've always taken it as a compliment) 
I've been told those characteristics help you to succeed 
and they are right 
but only in some ways 
You see when it comes to my relationship
with God, my independence and self-sufficiency 
follow right along and that is not a good thing
when I bring those character traits into my 
walk with God then I end up neglecting important truths 
I try to use God as a safety net just in case I need 
a little help on my climb up 
instead of realizing that he is the one pulling me up 
I think I can handle the Christian walk on my own 
I try to "be good" 
to serve others 
to love God 
to share Christ's love with others
to trust God 
to be a good leader 
to read my Bible and pray 
all while trying to juggle the rest of my life
like being a good student
working my jobs with excellence
being a good friend 
caring for those who are hurting and in need 

And you know sometimes I fool myself and I think
"Hey I've got this! Life is going really well" 
I think that I've done a good job and that 
I've been able to overcome a struggle 
and I sit back and think that life is going great
I must be doing a really good job with my life
but then what happens when all of the sudden
a trial or a struggle comes? 
When situations in my life happen that I can't control
someone dies, my friend is sick, school is overwhelming,
conflicts arise, people hurt me, or work isn't going well
Then what happens? 
What do I do? 

Well when wave after wave hits me 
when I come to the end of my rope
when I feel like I can't go on anymore 
when I just want to sit and cry 
that is when I realize that I 
don't have to do it on my own 
I don't have to try and pretend to be 
self-sufficient 
(because lets face it I wasn't really ever self-sufficient)
I'm not meant to try and live life alone 
by my own strength and power 
instead all I have to do is rely solely on God
to rest in his grace, love, mercy and strength
to realize that he is the ONLY one who is 
self-sufficient 

when the feelings of being 
alone and overwhelmed come 
as much as I hate them 
and as much as I fight them 
I want to try to embrace them 
it's for a good reason, because I'm trying 
to do something I was never meant to do
I'm trying to live my life alone and by my own power
and wisdom 
As much as I hate admitting it,  It's something that
I can't do on my own

So instead of trying to do things on my own
like I always do 
I want to try something different 
I want to seek God's strength daily
to ask for his grace and wisdom 
to deal with this crazy journey of life 
to realize that it's okay to be weak and inadequate
and that once I truly realize that I can't do anything 
not even wake up in the morning without God sustaining 
my life (Psalm 3:5)  
then I can finally live a life full of power and grace 
one where I don't have to strive to muster up my 
own might to succeed 
but one where I seek the power of Christ in my 
life and live in the good of his grace! 

I am going to lay down my pride
and self-sufficiency 
and humbly come before Christ 
acknowledging that I cannot do it on my own 
but that it's okay, because I don't have to. 
I have Christ's grace and power in my life! 

I will trade in my self-sufficiency for Christ-sufficiency 

"Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God."  2 Corinthians 3:5